June 12, 2006

In my previous post I argue that being a man is a synthesis, perhaps, of both being fathered and fathering. Two days later, I still believe this to be true. Yet, I wonder. Why is it that so many men have an estranged or, at least distant relationship with their fathers? Why is it that when I recently read a book about mothers and sons by Evelyn Bassoff (Between Mothers and Sons) I felt "She gets it, she understands boys and men"? In other words, how do mothers and how does the feminine figure into the relationship between fathers and sons? How do they figure into my fathering? Are mothers and the feminine the same thing?

Distance Between Fathers and Sons

Perhaps one of the most important factors about this confusing issue is that of time spent with our children. Many articles on day-care, their effects, benefits, etc. stress that day-care is not harmful to children. They emphasize that children who go to day-care will, given intensive, if short, quality time with their parents, still have strong bonds with their parents. I have always believed this to be true. But, in the case of my own three sons, I must wonder if, in part, the very strong relationship I have with them is not also a product of the many hours I spent (and am still spending) home with them, playing, working, studying, etc. I keep thinking that had I chosen a profession that comes with a 9-5++/day expectation, I would likely feel more distant from them and they from me.

I believe one of the most telling indicators that quantity of time spent must stand in some kind of proportional relationship with the quality of the parent-child bond is my own sons bilingualism. From the time of their conception (!) I have only spoken German (my native tongue) with them. My two older sons (now 10 and 8) are fluent in spoken, read, and written German. My youngest son is only six months old, but with him, too, I speak German only. German, being German-thinking German, is a matrix of comfort that I can provide for them because I am spending, an average of 5-8 hours with them every day.