June 14, 2006

In order to make pregnancy into something he can talk about a becoming father is almost forced to make it into something that is "empirical", something, in other words, that can be physically verified at the doctor's office. But from the doctor's perspective there is nothing to be verified. We, as far as ob/gyn medicine is concerned, we are nothing. Makes sense that we keep being overlooked at those office-visits. We might desperately (and I mean desperately, i.e., without hope) want to talk about the baby, questions, expectations, worries. But the nurse, mid-wife, doctor might not even acknowledge our presence, let alone our participation.

This is a deeply humiliating experience. It's humiliating because we already feel awkward and foolish for feeling something based on nothing. We, too, would love to bring forth empirical verification for what's going on with us. But it's humiliating too, because not being seen, not being acknowledged in the doctor's office actually confirms the non-existence of our feelings: what we feel is nothing and what we are is nothing! I believe it is not a surprise that many men react to this experience not just with a sense of resignation, but--driven by a sense of almost unbearable shame about feeling something that's nothing and, and by being ignored, by being exposed as nothing--with a need to distance themselves from their pregnant partner in search for a safe place. However, in so doing they often go far beyond finding saftey into denying their partners' pregnancy and feelings about it as well. This is a shame-driven arrogance and gloating that, I believe, has its roots in our inability to empathize with becoming fathers.

So, what about sacrifice and support? Shouldn't becoming fathers focus on supporting their pregnant partners? Shouldn't they pay attention to their dramatically changing bodies, the exhaustion that comes with those changes, the worries, the anticipation, etc.? I believe that should doesn't even capture how an expectant man could relate to his partner. The right term would be need ! In order to feel whole--in order to feel connected with his growing child and with the love and care that comes from his partner--an expectant father needs to be connected to his partner's pregnancy and experience thereof. Pregnancy has potential to be a triangle of love. In this triangle there are no predetermined directions of energy. Energy could go from the child to the father and from there to the mother. But it could also go from the father to the mother and from there on to the child, etc. Such an omni-directional flow of energy in the love-triangle assures, I believe, optimal physical and emotional health for the whole family system. In other words, by focusing on the mother/child (or mother/unborn child) dyad alone, we are, inadvertently, weakening the family system.