In four days a very special year will come to a close. It is the year my wife and I will always remember as the “year of no picture screens”. A year ago, just a tad after the beginning of lent, my older son came to me with a challenge he had heard his class-room teacher speak about. Her son, when he was a ten year old had apparently struck a deal with his father that he would receive $100, if he didn’t watch tv for one year. My son Noah, likely not believing that I would consider it, asked me: Wuerdest Du das auch machen? (Would you do that too?). It took me a second to do the math, $.30—roughly—a day, and a lot longer to consider the ethics of it. In fact, I’m still not through with that part. Before I go more into that, let me tell you briefly the agreement we came up with
Noah and Jacob would, for one year, not watch any videos, play any game-boy, play-station or computer-games (our whole family has not watched tv for over ten years). In return they would each receive $100 in cash on March 4th, 2007. Noah stipulated he wanted his money as one single bill, Jacob wanted his in 100 singles (go figure!). Exceptions: a) a one week car-trip to the Jersey Shore during which game-boy and videos were allowed (in part because all their cousins were going to be there, playing and watching a lot). b) Family videos: every once in a while, it turned out to be about once a month, the family would watch a video together; c) just two weeks ago both boys had caught a severe stomach flu. That combined with a three day lock-in because of blizzard conditions in Champaign-Urbana led to a conversation and subsequent agreement that they could play with a play-station like game for a limited amount of time (30 min each/day; again by their own design).
So, I could talk about the things they did instead. The incredible amount of reading they engaged in both in German and English, the time spent playing piano or practicing Tae-Kwando moves, the many “forts” they built using all available furniture in the family room, the time spent learning about fish-tanks, the extra energy that was there for homework and other school-projects, the drive towards independence that took place during this year (both boys have begun to look at their bikes as vehicles that can take them places rather than just two-wheelers that are nice to use on the drive-way), time spent with friends, outside, playing in the yard. It has been mind-boggling. Note, too, that all this happened during the first 15 months of our third son’s life, a time-period in which it would have been “easy” for my wife and me to just rely on tv, etc. as welcome assistance in the task of occupying the boys.
About the ethics: I struggled with this “deal”. The idea that there is a monetary return on this experiment bothers me. It’s not stinginess, I hope, but rather the question, if my sons should/need to learn to do things because they’re right, not because they’re paid well. A friend of mine asked me rhetorically: “would you do things without an incentive?” I agreed in the rhetorical mode of the question that, no, I probably wouldn’t either. But deep down I knew that at their ages (8 and 10), I would have done it for no money (though I would not have suggested it on my own). It took me a while to overcome my sense of ethical superiority (about the no-incentive attitude) to realize that I would have had an incentive as well, one perhaps a lot more problematic than the money my sons asked for. My incentive would have been that it would have pleased my parents (a big issue for me that, only in the last few years, has begun to dissolve). Realizing this felt like a huge relief: Noah’s and Jacob’s decision was not connected to any sense of something they were doing for us. They were doing it for themselves.
Now what? you may wonder. Both boys are considering the celebratory weekend of indulgence with videos and games as well as a the possibility of going for another year—at a raised price, of course! We’re okay with whatever they decide. We will celebrate with them on the 4th their huge achievement. And we will quietly admire their stamina, persistence, willingness to endure, their initiative and self-motivation and their openness to trying new things even though they might seem uncomfortable at first.
Noah and Jacob would, for one year, not watch any videos, play any game-boy, play-station or computer-games (our whole family has not watched tv for over ten years). In return they would each receive $100 in cash on March 4th, 2007. Noah stipulated he wanted his money as one single bill, Jacob wanted his in 100 singles (go figure!). Exceptions: a) a one week car-trip to the Jersey Shore during which game-boy and videos were allowed (in part because all their cousins were going to be there, playing and watching a lot). b) Family videos: every once in a while, it turned out to be about once a month, the family would watch a video together; c) just two weeks ago both boys had caught a severe stomach flu. That combined with a three day lock-in because of blizzard conditions in Champaign-Urbana led to a conversation and subsequent agreement that they could play with a play-station like game for a limited amount of time (30 min each/day; again by their own design).
So, I could talk about the things they did instead. The incredible amount of reading they engaged in both in German and English, the time spent playing piano or practicing Tae-Kwando moves, the many “forts” they built using all available furniture in the family room, the time spent learning about fish-tanks, the extra energy that was there for homework and other school-projects, the drive towards independence that took place during this year (both boys have begun to look at their bikes as vehicles that can take them places rather than just two-wheelers that are nice to use on the drive-way), time spent with friends, outside, playing in the yard. It has been mind-boggling. Note, too, that all this happened during the first 15 months of our third son’s life, a time-period in which it would have been “easy” for my wife and me to just rely on tv, etc. as welcome assistance in the task of occupying the boys.
About the ethics: I struggled with this “deal”. The idea that there is a monetary return on this experiment bothers me. It’s not stinginess, I hope, but rather the question, if my sons should/need to learn to do things because they’re right, not because they’re paid well. A friend of mine asked me rhetorically: “would you do things without an incentive?” I agreed in the rhetorical mode of the question that, no, I probably wouldn’t either. But deep down I knew that at their ages (8 and 10), I would have done it for no money (though I would not have suggested it on my own). It took me a while to overcome my sense of ethical superiority (about the no-incentive attitude) to realize that I would have had an incentive as well, one perhaps a lot more problematic than the money my sons asked for. My incentive would have been that it would have pleased my parents (a big issue for me that, only in the last few years, has begun to dissolve). Realizing this felt like a huge relief: Noah’s and Jacob’s decision was not connected to any sense of something they were doing for us. They were doing it for themselves.
Now what? you may wonder. Both boys are considering the celebratory weekend of indulgence with videos and games as well as a the possibility of going for another year—at a raised price, of course! We’re okay with whatever they decide. We will celebrate with them on the 4th their huge achievement. And we will quietly admire their stamina, persistence, willingness to endure, their initiative and self-motivation and their openness to trying new things even though they might seem uncomfortable at first.
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