On Falling in Love, Freedom and Privacy

One of my favorite American folk-singers, Jim Croce, sings the following words in his song Alabama Rain: "We were only kids but then, I never heard it said, that kids can't fall in love and feel the same . . . I can still remember the first time I told you I loved you." Here is the link to that song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fc-ZbRjZzOU

Recently, my older two sons Noah and Jacob have fallen in love with someone. And since they would cringe at me revealing any further details, I will let it suffice with just that single statement. However, what I would like to think about in this blog is how very meaningful this first experience of emotional attachment to a stranger is.

There is, first of all, the very experience of romance itself. Aside from the fact that romance can work almost like a drug, that it can make us crazy and unpredictable, it can also be seen as the very generator behind change, creativity and transcendence of self. Cp. Doitsch's The Brain That Changes Itself on how romance enhances our ability to face obstacles and overcome our own hesitation about accomplishing things.

Falling in love with someone also marks a new stage in the detachment process between parents and children. Most parents I know, including myself, are fairly unprepared for this aspect of teenage love. And if they are prepared for it they are so in a defensive and apprehensive way that suggests they don't fully understand the developmental significance of their children's discovery of "love." If they understand it, they may very well still fail to appreciate it.

Connected to the detachment issue, but still slightly different, is the idea that falling in love is strongly associated with "freedom." Falling in love establishes our children as free agents in the world. One could argue that friendships with others have the same effect. But, I would argue, friendships rarely have the all consuming and powerfully mind-altering effect that love relationships have.

It is in this latter context, the context of freedom, that I am often consumed by an almost paralyzing grief. In a nutshell: The concept of freedom does no longer serve as a guiding light for those of us who are responsible for children. We have come to think of freedom as synonymous with teen-pregnancy, STDs, drugs, teen-suicide, failing grades, lack of motivation and many more.

And yet, the more we lean towards restricting our children's freedom the less likely we are to have honest and open relationships with them. Moreover, forcing our children into secrecy, for they will do what they desire to do with or without our consent, will drive them into a life-style that, ultimately, is toxic to them. Listen to Carl Gustav Jung on the subject of secrecy: "The maintenance of secrets acts like a toxic poison which alienates the possessor from the community." And further down Jung explains that "every personal secret has the effect of a sin or of guilt--whether or not it is, from the standoint of popular morality, a wrongful secret" (Modern Man In Search of A Soul, pp. 31, 33).

It is no wonder, then, that teens tend to "share" these secrets, almost in a confessional way, with their peers. Sharing them in this way is a way of avoiding secrecy and, thus, avoiding the poisonous effects of their experiences. Without such sharing human beings, and teens in particular, tend towards mental illness such as depression, anxiety and other disorders. These often are followed by other behaviors that will certainly drive the person into more secrecy. It is a vicious circle.

As adults we have a responsibility to teach our children openness and honesty. Most of us will put their name under that statement I believe. But perhaps not under this one: in order to accomplish the first we have to learn how to be non-judgmental with our children. We do not have to understand everything they do, say or listen to. But we have to show and maintain interest when they do speak to us. We do have to learn, furthermore, that honesty and openness do, curiously, emerge from our acceptance of our children's privacy.

Privacy and secrecy are not the same thing at all. But they are often confused. Secrecy is always accompanied by a feeling of guilt and/or shame about the secret. Privacy is something I prefer to do in private, but don't feel ashamed about doing. While secrecy is usually linked to a serious unwillingness to talk about the secret, privacy usually is not.

Falling in love is, for a teen, a powerful way to catapult himself into both a new realm of freedom and a new realm of privacy. As parents we do encounter our own emotional complications when this step happens. After all, so far we had still been checking their homework, whether or not they brushed their teeth and whether they made it to school on time. We are used to micro-managing them, in other words.