Peace Among Men

Most men I know, friends and those I have seen in my practice, struggle with touch. They struggle with the meaning of touch, with whether they want to be touched (or rather not), with whether it's okay to be touched by a man and/or a woman, what it means to touch another person, what it means to touch a child/be touched by a child, whether touch reaches their hearts or just their skin . . . Yes, and in a punning kind of way it would be correct to say that most men are quite "touchy"; highly sensitive that is, easily confused by touch in all its variations. Saying that it might be easier for a man to punch another man hard rather than touch him gently will usually elicit only a weak smile of recognition--it's a recognition of a truth that we all seem to know. Saying that it is easier for a man to engage in sexual touch rather than gentle erotic touch is similarly recognized. If this is indeed the state of affairs regarding the topic of touch and men, it is devastating. What it means is that touch can mean only one of two things: either the person who is touching me is an enemy or he/she is making sexual advances. In this way men miss out on the beautiful unfolding of touch as love between the extremes of aggression and reproduction.


Aggression _______________________________________________________Reproduction

                                                                    |
                                                                    |
                                                                   \ /


Aggression____________________Unfolding as love_____________________Reproduction


But men struggle with touch not only because of the pin-ball existence they may lead between the extremes of aggressive and reproductive touch. They also struggle with it because of their hunger for touch. This hunger, too, will often lead them to either seek out fighting or sexual contact. This hunger itself can drive a man crazy. It can make him restless, irritable, and depressed. When a man is hungry for touch he often is hard to live with and may find it hard to live with himself.

A particularly insidious aspect of this struggle with touch presents itself for men who identify as "straight". The label "straight" is far more than a label. Once applied it actually turns into a kind of imperative that really no longer indicates an essence ("I am straight). Rather it turns into an imperative: I shall be straight, must be straight, must not deviate from straightness evermore. It sometimes almost attains the status of a kind of promise or vow that a man makes in order to belong to the Society of Straight Men (SoSM).I suspect that a similar code of honor exists for the Society of Gay Men (SoGM) although it may not be quite as harsh as it is for a member of the SoSM.

We tend to blame cultural forces for why boys and men feel so strongly about this imperative to be straight. This is true even for most gay males who can only distance themselves from this imperative after they've come out; which means after they have done a significant amount of work coming to terms with their sexual orientation/identity. There is no doubt that culture is a very strong force. But culture could only be so strong because it falls on fertile grounds in us; deeply rooted fertile biological grounds. This biological ground is survival.

Survival seems to be at the root of much of male behavior. Even extreme risk taking seems to be driven by the need to survive . . . as the fittest, strongest, most daring, etc. Only in and shortly after such extreme risk situations is touch among males really "permitted." Touch and physical affection among males has to be "deserved" to remain un-suspicious. And even when it is deserved, full-body hugs are rare among men, even under the most extreme circumstances men will let it suffice with friendly punches, high and low fives, pats on shoulders, butts, etc. Men generally stay away from comforting each other physically, gentle hugs, holding another man's hand, touching their cheeks or hair.

As a father of three sons I have had much opportunity to learn, reflect and talk about touch. Perhaps the most important learning for me has been that all three have liked to be touched  by me. The other most important learning is how much I have liked to touch them. I would say all four of us have learned through touch how much tenderness lives in us. This is a tenderness not just for each other but also for others, for the world at large. My hope is that this will be one step, one part, in helping them find ways to sow peace among men. One step away from violence and the need to dominate another man, another person. I hope that each of them can show the world not just verbally, but also physically, that they are coming in peace.